Freedom is not something that is just handed to you. You have to work and believe that you can get that peace of mind and that happiness that you've longed for, for so long. God has a good plan for your life, and He still has so much in store for you, whether you know it or not!
The only real way we will be mothers who are devoted to God with deep abiding love and fear of the Lord is to understand His love for us. When we cry out to Him, His ears perk up and He turns His face towards us. (Psalm 40) When you're having a day like you’ve woke up in the pit before you even had a chance to fall into one, He is able to place your feet on the Rock of your salvation. He doesn't leave us wandering in life, and He certainly doesn't leave us flailing in motherhood.
Suddenly, when we take delight in the Lord, we realize that we're not pursuing happiness or the predetermined plans we’ve made, that we're instead pursuing Him. We begin to take joy in His presence. Delight in Him. His peace. His strength. He gives us, not human or worldly needs or wants (scratch the seven donuts), He gives us His desires. Not ours, but His.
I think He knew I’d fall for the horses. He knew that my lack of trust in my body would remain until I was forced to come face-to-face with it, and so, He began a passion in me that would require such a confrontation. Thank you God for always having a plan, even though right now it feels like you are poking me in all of my tender places.